I have a confession to make: I haven’t really been “loving what is” lately.
Instead of accepting whatever is going on and making the most of it, I’ve been resisting things with all of my might. And I’m not talking about instances that I really shouldn’t accept, but those that really can’t be any different, so I might as well suck it up and make the most of it.
If I think of it in terms of the serenity prayer, “Lord, grant me the willingness to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference,” then I guess you could say the Lord has granted me the wisdom to know the difference between the things I cannot change and the things I can, but not the willingness to accept it..
Or perhaps I’m just stubborn and thick-headed…Either way, I’ve been resisting. I do this a lot actually. I get thoughts or ideas in my head and once they’re there, it’s very difficult to let them go. They’re like an annoying piece of food that gets stuck in your teeth and bugs the hell out of you, but you can’t get it out for some reason or another. Instead of just letting it go for a little while and forgetting about it, you continually rub your tongue over it, reminding yourself that it’s there and how fricking annoying it is. (Okay, so that analogy is kind of weird and not entirely accurate, but just go with me here.) The point is, resisting things does not make them any easier or more tolerable. In fact, it makes them more difficult and more painful. Yet my de facto reaction when things are not going “my way” is to grab onto that thought and ruminate over and over and OVER about how miserable I am, when in fact, I could be trying to find something GOOD about the situation or at least relax into it. I think this tendency stems in large part from my desire to always be in control and for things to always go according to my expectations. When something is going differently than my head thinks it ‘should,’ I get upset, and I scramble for ways to change it or get the hell out of there. This is unfortunate for a number of reasons, the most obvious being that in life, THINGS RARELY GO ACCORDING TO PLAN. That’s what makes it life. It’s unpredictable and spontaneous, and while it has its share of disappointments, it is also full of delicious surprises.
Yet while the number of things I CAN’T control greatly outnumbers the number of things I CAN, one of the things I can control is my attitude. So that is what I’m going to work on changing this week. I’m going to try to relax my grip on the wheel, roll the windows down, and enjoy the ride on this windy road of life. Wherever it may take me.
My hands are tired from steering
My eyes are starting to blur.
My mind is doing cartwheels,
I’m not sure which way to turn.
My lips pursed in concentration,
my jaw clenched in iron rage.
Nose scrunched up beyond frustration,
I’ve driven right into a cage.
The darkness presses in around me.
The air is getting thick.
I gasp for one last breath of it,
but it’s so stale it makes me sick.
My shoulders sag beneath the burden,
my chest is caving in.
My knees give out below me,
And I’m sure this is the end.
A cloud surrounds my senses,
I don’t know where I went wrong.
I tried to stay on top of it,
but it’s been winning all along.
They pry my wingers from the wheel,
force air into my lungs
Move the key from the ignition
back to the life where it belongs.
I take off my gloves, loosen my grip
stop trying to win things by force.
I give up my seat in the captain’s chair,
Letting life run its own course.
©Jennifer K. Horton 5/5/12